Long story very short: I was very sad last night. I have a few new emotional ingredients in my already complex limbic stew. (Nourishing, but WHERE ARE THE CARROTS?!??!? I can’t see the carrots for the new potatoes!) Plus, I had an EMDR session yesterday that was extremely healing, but . . . There is still some fallout. So despite feeling great after my session yesterday, I think I had a bit of a therapy hangover. Last night, this manifested in a sense of loneliness and failure that was very intense: I was crying heartily and positioned a bit fetally. But I am pretty sure that I was not in flashback. I am pretty sure I was just feeling intensely in that moment. This is a very good thing.
Today, I was feeling a bit emotionally hungover still. That began to clear with my first cup of coffee. And then shit just kept falling all around me. Shit drizzle, not shit blizzard. I started talking to other humans. Red-the-Dog was very needy. I was pissed off about some post on Facebook I read about gender. In another post, my ex-girlfriend was GIVING AWAY MY BOOKCASES. And most of all: I could not figure out where AppleInc hid my photo files and I really wanted to post these wonderful pictures of Red-the-Dog in a way that necessitated me having access to my own goddamned files. Before long I am this: crushed by the bookcases, irritated by the most wonderful being in my life, and cursing Steve Jobs for having the temerity to die and leave his legacy to a bunch of dimwits. Please be laughing if you are reading. I am laughing as I type.
Then this happened:
1. People are driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Wait a sec, why are people driving me crazy?
3. “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”
4. I am suffering
6. People are driving me crazy!
8. People are driving me crazy?
10. I think more coffee will help.
While making more coffee, I look at all the dishes piling up. I am irritated. But as I set the water to boil, I set my irritation aside and just start on the dishes.
I finish the dishes while making another cup of coffee. As usual, it did not take as long as I thought it would. I think of Tessa telling me about the importance of maintaining an uplifted environment. I think of Chogyam Trungpa’s exhortations that a sense of orderliness is necessary. I think both of them were just doing Jedi mind tricks to take the sting out of washing dishes because they both knew damn well that it would never be about the dishes, or the other people, or my dog, or my ex, or my failures. And it would certainly never be about Steve Jobs.
It was and will usually be this: I was suffering because of external factors over which I had no control whatsoever. And I have the ability to stop that.
Suffering is optional. I opted out today, this time. Later? Don’t know. Tomorrow? Don’t know.
This is a delicious cup of coffee.